How to maintain a long and strong relationship By Tracey Vale

The following are what I have learned to be the ingredients of a long, strong and loving relationship:

(c) Tracey Vale

• Love. You have to love the person unconditionally and they need to know that. It never gets repetitive to tell them every day, even more than once a day. Love completes you both; it builds esteem, security and stability; it validates; it ensures strength and happiness; it endures, compromises, trusts and forgives. Love is part of and is encompassed by all of the below items. Love is not complete without these things as part of a whole.

• Equality and mutual respect. Neither person should be made to feel inferior, nor should one take or accept an inferior place—that person loses respect both for themselves and in the eyes of their partner. Each person should be made to feel equal and accepted as equal. In this, the motto I live by comes into play: treat others as you would treat yourself; or do unto others as you would do unto yourself. Strive for empathy. Consider the feelings of the other person before endeavouring into anything that might harm, betray or hurt them. When this is considered, you will never do anything to intentionally harm.

• Understanding and compromise. Be yourself but be open to compromise. This doesn’t mean changing, as neither person should expect the other to change for them, nor should they expect to be able to change something about the other person. Understand the other person’s needs, personality and interests. This means wanting to know them completely—to know about their past; their experiences; their mistakes; their triumphs. This gives greater understanding for what has made them the people they are and gives greater empathy in circumstances where you need to understand the reasons behind a particular reaction or action they may take in the future. It also means that you can understand and compromise in cases where you see the other person’s need for space and/or time. It lets you know how to best present the good times and the bad; to sort out grievances, miscommunications or misunderstandings.

• Working together on common goals. Part of this is compromising, listening, understanding and taking the time and effort to hear where each of you is coming from and what the expectations are. In this way, you are better equipped to fine-tune the logistics and infrastructure of a committed relationship, such as finances, housing, children, extended family, lifestyle choices, religion, careers and aspirations.

• Re-Investing. There will be changes and, over time, each of you will change. Endeavour to work together; re-invest in the relationship and revisit goals. Be vigilant and don’t allow changes to negatively impinge.

• Having open communication. Talk often and listen often. Be open to conversation—both the everyday and the deeper levels. Be courageous in your vulnerability and allow your fears or uncertainties to be known; this strengthens understanding. Never assume you know something about the way a person feels and don’t play games with their emotions. Be up front. If something offends, tell them. If something is uncertain or not understood; ask and clarify—don’t make damaging assumptions or hold grudges without founded substance. Similarly, make positive affirmations: ‘I love the way you do this’; ‘I love it when you say that’; ‘I like how you can empathise with that person or this situation’; ‘I deeply respect you for that’. All of this needs to be said from the heart, not as something you think the other person wants to hear. It needs to be heartfelt, spontaneous and honest. Above all, be present and listen when you know the other person needs to be heard. Try to maintain a cool, reasoned head and leave the room if necessary to avoid comments made out of anger or frustration. Take it on board with consideration and thought.

• Laughter. Don’t take life too seriously. Always leave room for humour.

• Being interested and willing to participate. Be open to the other person’s interests and be willing to take part. This is also part of compromising and doesn’t mean that you have to pretend interest for their sake—it means respecting their interests and pursuits and taking them on board. It also means giving them space for their pursuits—being interested in and following different pursuits gives a greater means for conversation and expands both of your horizons.

• Not taking the person or relationship for granted. Never make the other person feel as though they are taken for granted. Appreciate each other and do little things often to make that known. Don’t assume that they know how you feel or that you no longer need to tell them. Don’t become mundane in the relationship. Remind yourself of how you felt in the beginning; what your hopes and aspirations were; how you wanted it to be; and revisit those things. Reawaken the things that excited you about each other in the beginning and don’t ever lose sight of them.

• Learning. Know that each of you is not perfect but always aim to learn from your mistakes. Be accountable for your own happiness without relying on your partner to provide this. Similarly, don’t blame them for any of your dissatisfactions. Know yourself, work on it and the rewards will spill over.

• Loyalty. Be loyal, honest and true. Always.

• Trust. Trust each other and enable that trust in all that you do. Never consider that something is okay just because you can keep it hidden from the other person—the old ‘what they don’t know, can’t hurt them’. This is not being honest with them or yourself and only leads to greater betrayal and widening cracks. Again, do unto others as you would unto yourself.

• Forgiveness. Leave room to understand. Give space where an argument requires it. Move on and don’t hold grudges or save up grievances. The past should stay there.

• Gratitude. Be grateful for what you have. Be mindful of who they are. Appreciate them and let them know—even just by a look. Look at them often and see them for what you love about them. I’m a big believer in this and think that it comes naturally when you truly love and respect someone. It reminds me of Nanny Mcphee and how she appeared ugly in the beginning but was increasingly better-looking the more she was appreciated and respected. The people I love become better looking in my mind’s eye—even though I was attracted to them and considered them handsome in the beginning! And this is despite that person getting older or losing their hair or whatever else is going on. None of that matters. They become increasingly good-looking as my heart grows for them—represented, simply enough, by my increased gratefulness for all that they are. Focus on the good things.

• Touch, sex, emotional and spiritual connection. By no means the least. Be tactile, sensual and make love often. Be passionate and experience sex and its consummate pleasure for what it is—both a physical need and yearning, as well as an emotional and spiritual connection. Make your partner know that they are appreciated on a sexual/sensual level; make them feel sexy; ensure they feel secure that they ‘turn you on’; make it known that you desire their touch and that you want to touch them whenever you can—even little touches during day-to-day tasks; shoulder to shoulder, a hand on the small of their back or a light touch on an arm or knee. Do and experience these things often and never underestimate their importance.